First and foremost, I hardly greeted anyone for Christmas but from my very heart, with all my best, I wish a Happy New Year and a nice New Year Party to anyone reading these lines. May there be more joy and fewer tears, from now on.

I'm not myself right now. It happens, sometimes I lose faith and everything seems so wrong, it makes me cry. Sometimes tears help, sometimes not. At times like this, if I can, I go out 'looking for trouble': strolling the streets, singing, waiting to bump into some stranger who'll be rude enough to say something stupid, or a familiar face I hate to see, or just someone I know. It never happens, really. But sometimes there's something funny and beautiful out there in the streets that makes the blues go. There are times when it doesn't help either. I listen to Placebo, they're so cruel, and Brian's voice... it's something I can listen to for ages, no matter what he sings, it's just so... wonderful. It was playing in my ears today but the traffic was so loud I could only hear the voice, not the words. Usually it takes me up to 2 hours to get back to normal after an hour or more of Placebo, but it heals me, after all the pain... The Placebo effect, sort of. Once my boyfriend asked me why I listen to sad songs if they make me feel so, but Placebo's aren't sad, they're cruel... They expose everything one may hide, they tear me to pieces and get me back together afterwards, a little cleaner and better, and darker inside. Only it's a little hard to talk to me the first couple of hours. And so until the next time I feel the need for this.

I feel like a doll. A puppet, everyone seems to be doing what they wish with me, and I can't make myself do what I should. I've started writing my Diploma work and I'm stuck at the beginning cos of my laziness, procrastination, moods, other things to do. I'm going crazy I know. It'll be OK, someday, but not today. If I give in and let the tears drop will it help? Yes it will, it's helped before but I'm sick of crying, I've had a lot of it this past year. I'm tired...

And by the way, I've discovered the perfect Holiday Soundtrack. AFI's album, DECEMBER UNDERGROUND, this man sings really well, and he has a voice that's my kind. I wish the lyrics were a little more meaningful but at least they have a feeling. Usually I pick some familliar - and often old - Christmas song for my Holiday Soundtrack and listen to it constantly, but this year I accidently saw the video to AFI's Love Like Winter and loved it at once. Just a suggestion for those who appreciate fresh metal sound.

Love, Sweetness and Bitterness,
Cenestelle

P.S. Not long ago I read about Bipolar Disorder and it sounds like... me. A good idea...